Badminton: An Idiot's Guide

Today is a day like no other. I had played two hours of badminton the previous evening, after a forced hiatus of two months. My joints are creaking, they are protesting in vain though. I have work to do, much work.

But before all that, I decided to try my hand at laying down a few guidelines for an amateur playing badminton. I seriously took up badminton in the summer of 2010 (summer in Thailand, of course). It was more of a relationship building exercise rather than serious sport. All my new friends in the university I moved to played in the evenings so they invited, I went the first day and haven't looked back since. Now the thing is I am pretty bad at playing it compared to my Thai friends. Thais have this natural ability to be agile, be flexible and such things. Now I am on the more rotund side, and not so agile by any stretch of the imagination. My forehand is OK, but my backhand is puny and sucks. There is no other way to describe my playing style other than saying it's weak, and hence I am going to drop any pretensions I have about my play and say this idiot's guide should be read with tongue firmly in cheek.

They say art mimics life and who are we mere mortals to deny that human sport is the highest form of art. Roger Federer's grace, Brian Lara's high bat-lift, or Yevgeni Plushenko's phenomenal ice skating all represent forms of beauty to rival that of Beethoven or Da Vinci. Please note that I have the highest respect for all sports and players of sport and intend no insult by this blog post.

Roger Federer, the epitome of form and functionality in tennis (Reuters/Mark Blinch) 

That being said I have watched cricket since I was seven, have been watching tennis with a keener eye since 2009 (and for anyone interested about the kinetics and kinematics of tennis this is a good piece by David Foster Wallace) but I have never played those two sports, even at a strictly amateur level, whilst I have been playing badminton regularly.

Here I talk only about doubles badminton (I do NOT play singles with anyone in Thailand). This idiot's guide is all about making you understand the different types of badminton players out there. Reading the rest of this piece will give you an opportunity to identify to which type opponents on the other side or even your partner belongs to. The thing to keep in mind is that the types are not mutually exclusive. One player can belong to many types where he is characterized by a combination of those types. OK enough fooling around.

The Really Good Player - This is the player who is really good at playing all around the court. He has got your back all the time, and plays very well close to the net. He is agile and he does his Superman impersonation to even get impossible shots. If you have him as your partner you may win, but that weight loss goal you had might take a hit as you would not be running around the court as much as you would like. If he is your opponent then only God can save you.

The Gentlemanly Good Player - He is a variation of the Really Good Player, where he is very good and he knows it, but he allows his partner to run around too. If his partner is pathetic (like me, most of the times) he will take his partner's shot without making the partner feel inadequate. He will encourage the partner to attempt shots and play within his/her comfort zone. He is the ideal partner for someone like me.

The Opportunistic Player - This is the player who takes shots only if it suits him, regardless of whether it's his shot (in his side of the court) or not. If the shot is difficult for him to take, even if it's on his side of the court he let's it go and looks at the partner accusingly. Also if he feels he can make a good point of it will steal his partner's shots. I think I have this streak in me.

The Silent One - If this guy comes as your partner then be prepared for a lot of accidents. This guy does not call for his shots, lets the ambiguity linger in the air and most often than not both of the partners will end up missing the shot. If there is a silent one in your opponents then the way to play is to place the shot right in the middle of them, causing them to collide (it's evil I know, but you got to do what you got to do, and the smashing of racquets has a nice ring to them)

The Trickster - This guy has so many trick shots playing against him is like playing with the "Joker" of Batman comics. He plays the drop shot, fakes slap shots, gives you the head fakes, does the spin drop. Basically he is up to no good. Playing against this guy will make you lose your breath ten minutes into a match.

The Condescending Asshole - This guy takes the 'Gentlemanly Good Player' persona a little too far. He is the one who applauds you for trying to get to a drop shot even though you fall short by a long way. He is the one who says 'take it easy' when you miss an easy shot, well basically he is the one you feel like dunking with your racquet as soon as he opens his mouth. If he comes as your partner, may God help you keep your temper.

All badminton players will belong to one or more categories. I hope this will help amateur badminton players figure things out.