Tips to identifying an 'academic ninja'

Do you know what I abhor the most? It's not being called black, brown or any other colour, it's not being labeled a Tamil nationalist, Tamil passivist or an anti-Tamil bootlicker, hell it's not even being derided as an 'hippopotamus playing badminton', but rather, it's being called a 'NERD'. Everyone thinks I am a nerd. Maybe I am, but it doesn't give anyone else the right to be derisory about it. When did a Sri Lankan getting good grades and caring about his/her vocabulary getting picked on become acceptable? No seriously, as a country I thought topping classes was our 'thang'.

All my lab colleagues call me a 'nerd', ask me for spellings of 'not so obscure' words (once a friend asked me for the spelling of 'decision', I almost ended up choking on my food) and my nickname is name-paedia. One of my thesis committee members even thinks that there is nothing I don't know about. Whilst all this can be some kind of an ego boost when I am in dire straits in terms of lack of self confidence, most of the time it's annoying. It's annoying when your junior colleague uses you like Google, asks you research related things which she thinks she is too cool to read up on and such things and tells me that she has a 'life' and I don't.

So for all those like me, I have compiled a list of tips on how to identify an 'academic ninja', from herein known simply as 'AN'.  An AN maybe identified if she possesses one or more characteristics in the following list:

1. Is inclined to read up and do proactive research on matters which matters to her. 

2. Knows the difference between your and you're, its and it's, or knows that the plural of cul-de-sac is culs-de-sac.

3. Never asks another person something which she can look up from wikipedia, or better yet contributes to wikipedia. 

4. Reads books, magazines, journals articles, monogrammes, and watches documentaries and such things; and please no brain numbing material (how Bieber made his music video doesn't constitute a documentary). 

5. Has worked in a lab, or with a simulation tool or has published case studies. 

6. Or any other characteristic which is deemed appropriate by a congregation of two or more ANs.

So if you qualify due to any of the reasons listed above welcome to the coterie of academic ninjas. Who are others to tell us that we are self-sufficient in the gray matter department. We know it already people. As Bill Gates aptly put "Be nice to academic ninjas, chances are you will end up working for one". (No seriously, he said that, it was lost whilst transcribing)

Badminton: An Idiot's Guide

Today is a day like no other. I had played two hours of badminton the previous evening, after a forced hiatus of two months. My joints are creaking, they are protesting in vain though. I have work to do, much work.

But before all that, I decided to try my hand at laying down a few guidelines for an amateur playing badminton. I seriously took up badminton in the summer of 2010 (summer in Thailand, of course). It was more of a relationship building exercise rather than serious sport. All my new friends in the university I moved to played in the evenings so they invited, I went the first day and haven't looked back since. Now the thing is I am pretty bad at playing it compared to my Thai friends. Thais have this natural ability to be agile, be flexible and such things. Now I am on the more rotund side, and not so agile by any stretch of the imagination. My forehand is OK, but my backhand is puny and sucks. There is no other way to describe my playing style other than saying it's weak, and hence I am going to drop any pretensions I have about my play and say this idiot's guide should be read with tongue firmly in cheek.

They say art mimics life and who are we mere mortals to deny that human sport is the highest form of art. Roger Federer's grace, Brian Lara's high bat-lift, or Yevgeni Plushenko's phenomenal ice skating all represent forms of beauty to rival that of Beethoven or Da Vinci. Please note that I have the highest respect for all sports and players of sport and intend no insult by this blog post.

Roger Federer, the epitome of form and functionality in tennis (Reuters/Mark Blinch) 

That being said I have watched cricket since I was seven, have been watching tennis with a keener eye since 2009 (and for anyone interested about the kinetics and kinematics of tennis this is a good piece by David Foster Wallace) but I have never played those two sports, even at a strictly amateur level, whilst I have been playing badminton regularly.

Here I talk only about doubles badminton (I do NOT play singles with anyone in Thailand). This idiot's guide is all about making you understand the different types of badminton players out there. Reading the rest of this piece will give you an opportunity to identify to which type opponents on the other side or even your partner belongs to. The thing to keep in mind is that the types are not mutually exclusive. One player can belong to many types where he is characterized by a combination of those types. OK enough fooling around.

The Really Good Player - This is the player who is really good at playing all around the court. He has got your back all the time, and plays very well close to the net. He is agile and he does his Superman impersonation to even get impossible shots. If you have him as your partner you may win, but that weight loss goal you had might take a hit as you would not be running around the court as much as you would like. If he is your opponent then only God can save you.

The Gentlemanly Good Player - He is a variation of the Really Good Player, where he is very good and he knows it, but he allows his partner to run around too. If his partner is pathetic (like me, most of the times) he will take his partner's shot without making the partner feel inadequate. He will encourage the partner to attempt shots and play within his/her comfort zone. He is the ideal partner for someone like me.

The Opportunistic Player - This is the player who takes shots only if it suits him, regardless of whether it's his shot (in his side of the court) or not. If the shot is difficult for him to take, even if it's on his side of the court he let's it go and looks at the partner accusingly. Also if he feels he can make a good point of it will steal his partner's shots. I think I have this streak in me.

The Silent One - If this guy comes as your partner then be prepared for a lot of accidents. This guy does not call for his shots, lets the ambiguity linger in the air and most often than not both of the partners will end up missing the shot. If there is a silent one in your opponents then the way to play is to place the shot right in the middle of them, causing them to collide (it's evil I know, but you got to do what you got to do, and the smashing of racquets has a nice ring to them)

The Trickster - This guy has so many trick shots playing against him is like playing with the "Joker" of Batman comics. He plays the drop shot, fakes slap shots, gives you the head fakes, does the spin drop. Basically he is up to no good. Playing against this guy will make you lose your breath ten minutes into a match.

The Condescending Asshole - This guy takes the 'Gentlemanly Good Player' persona a little too far. He is the one who applauds you for trying to get to a drop shot even though you fall short by a long way. He is the one who says 'take it easy' when you miss an easy shot, well basically he is the one you feel like dunking with your racquet as soon as he opens his mouth. If he comes as your partner, may God help you keep your temper.

All badminton players will belong to one or more categories. I hope this will help amateur badminton players figure things out.

In all earnestness

Sometimes  a moment of time seems to last an eternity. (*Disclaimer: I am not on acid, coke or any other such hallucinatory narcotics) I close my eyes, and that instant seems to be perfect. Everything, my conscience, my sense balance, my inner equilibrium, all of them align themselves into a perfect,coherent picture. The clarity which follows, the intensity which accompanies and the productivity which ensues is addictive. In vain I search for such moments all the time, but they are few and fleeting.

I love those moments. I sometimes think my whole life is worthwhile simply because of those moments. My brain practically brims over with dopamine (I can feel it) and I get this unimaginable 'high'. Let me dub these moments as 'joy'.

Now the cinch of my thesis in this piece is whether these 'joyous' milliseconds happen naturally or do they happen as a result of all the hardwork accumulated over time. Often times, luck or chance also play an important part in such discussions. Paraphrasing a person's quote which goes 'Luck often favours the tenacious' I truly believe every slice of fortune is a result of your effort towards achieving what you want.

I am an implicit believer in the school of thought that if you are happy for everything, you cannot truly be happy for anything. I know the statement sounds counter-intuitive. I mean, c'mon, if you are happy for everything it's a good thing, right. It means you have more happiness. But is that truly the case? Now will be the perfect time for me to come out and espouse my theory of 'what happiness is' and 'how it may be achieved', but I am going to spare all of you all that melodrama.

I believe understanding these 'moments' of sanity (yeah, let me call it that) is as simple as dissolving salt. Yes, take a pinch of salt and take a litre of water (or 4 quarts if you happen to live in USA, Liberia and two more countries) (my idea being that take an ample quantity of water, in relation to the pinch of salt) and what ensues is water with salinity. The same way, if all that effort was water, the 'moments' will be the pinch of salt. What remains after the water evaporates, are the memories of those moments.

Just that.

Do Gods have off days and other such queries

I have always wondered whether God(s) has/ve off days. I have used the uncertainty plural so that anyone with any religious non/belief can grapple with this profound question without feeling left out. It in itself is a very simple question. If I had asked myself this when I was sixteen I would have answered with 'God has no man-like properties. He is omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient.' Bam! End of story.

Umm... but now, this is a difficult question to answer. The world has taught me diplomacy. It has influenced me in such a way that I take a moment or too to actually phrase my answer, in fear of offending the person who is posing the question. This is very unfortunate because a simple yes or no answer would suffice to this question, because at the end of the day this is way less of a question than the eternal 'Rajni or Kamal', 'Lara or Sachin', 'Federer or Nadal' types of queries. (The answer to all three questions are worthy of many hours of argument) But let me not trivialize this issue.

I ask in all earnestness. The 'thing' is I think in a way which leads me to ask such questions. Yes, I ask a lot of questions, from a lot of people. At least I used to till I discovered Google and Wikipedia. But even now these splendid repositories of knowledge and algorithms cannot provide me with satisfactory answers.

Some of the questions I ask are plain weird, especially from people: One such question I surprise people with is "Will you feel sad when I die?". I know, very stupid question, right. Most of the people stumble, blush, look away and some actually say 'yes'. The reason why I ask this question is because I have a list, a list which has the names of people who I feel will cry when I die. By the way, the list is 219 names long.

Another point I learnt a long time ago is that when it comes to questions related to matters of the heart (not vascular, but metaphorically) it is a good idea to know the answer that you are going to get before posing the question. I know it sounds self-defeating, if you know the answer why ask the question in the first place, but I almost always follow the principle. I have heard this theory helps lawyers too. So if you know a person who thinks Nadal is a better player, then if you are a Federer fan, please avoid asking him who is the greater player. That way you will end up saving time, so that you may write blog posts like these.

Joy in Mundanity

I was having a beast of a day. Seriously, everyone was screwing with my patience when it was clearly not in the mood for it. I was finding that one and half years of research work might be let down by a petty, ruler wielding administrative staff. I could put it right by spending my normal monthly subsistence money on it, but asking that from a grad student in a foreign country is too much, just too much. Not that I did not have the money, but as a financial expert would say; the three most important things for survival in a capitalist economy is cash flow, cash flow and cash flow. That much of an economic shock would be catastrophic for my future plans, and I was stubborn. But I digress now.

I broke down. I completely broke down. I just plonked back on my seat and sat there without knowing what to do. Then I figured that I might as well make myself a cup of coffee. The thought of making coffee lessened my anxiety. I filled water in my hot water boiler and switched it on. Took my white, two-handled conically shaped coffee mug and the spoon and rinsed them. Opened the coffee bottle and measured out three fourths teaspoon of instant coffee powder (I have a way of measuring out three fourths) and let it fall into the mug. Then as the water reached boiling point, raised the boiler from its casing and tipped and let the hot water flow into the mug. Stirred it until the coffee powder fully dissolved and mingled and the whole concoction became dark brown. Opened the sugar container and measured out one and half teaspoons of sugar into it. Stirred the mug until the sugar dissolved as well. Rinsed the spoon and kept it on the table. Brought the mug to the table and took in the aroma of the coffee brew. By now, my anxiety had completely dissolved along with the sugar and coffee powder. By immersing myself in the seemingly mundane task of making coffee I had detached myself from stress and fear of being let down. I had completely diverted my concentration to something which required it and hence had become less strung out.

We often malign the mundane tasks in our lives, seldom noticing the near-cathartic experiences they might provide us in times of great stress. Be it taking a morning walk in the park, to making ourselves a cup of tea, they have the power to single out our consciousness from being bothered by a seemingly knotty problem. Yet a lot of people are opting out of these mundanities. If we do so, we are foregoing the right to enjoy the mundanity for what it is; a breather to get away for a few minutes from those very things that are making us give it up. For now, I believe there is absolute joy in mundanity. Don't let anything take it away from you.

Colour me, colour you

I have always wondered what it would be like to think in terms of colours. It has been a fascination since adolescence. To see a scenario or a mental picture of something and then to demarcate a colour for it. Its a very interesting experiment, trust me. 


Sometimes on a Saturday evening, here in Thailand, whilst walking along the 'shady grove' (the name I have given to a stretch of road adjoining the football field in my faculty) life seems to be a happy 'cream' colour. A Saturday spent tying up the loose ends gives a feeling of content nothing can disturb, nothing. 


On a Monday early morning, whilst waiting for the shuttle bus, time seems to be painting a portrait in cobweb-by gray, dull and not sharply defined. The same morning, the cup of coffee I have seems to be a teeming 'lively earthy brown', almost like the muddy rain waters, which give sustenance to the parched earth. 


A busy day is like 'copper sulphate blue', very nice to see, but the usefulness right about stops there. A lazy day is more like a 'burgundy', dark... yet soothing in its own right. 


I like the 'dark gray' the gathering of storm clouds brings about. Reminds me of the musty smells of the public library in Colombo, which is in turn associated with pure, unadulterated joy. I always tell my friends an evening spent drinking coffee, reading a 'good' book is metallic silver for me, the feeling of consanguinity  and contentment. 


Sometimes I feel 'dark blue', where my ego has been hurt, and I feel anger setting on. Then the 'dark blue' often turns 'boiling red', reaching a fever pitch when I say something that I would eventually regret. When looking back at the times I have lost my temper, which is normally during my 'peachy pink' times, a sense of shame takes over.


The colours I wear reflect my moods: full black when I am feeling a sense of something 'not so good' about to happen (bottle green-y feeling perhaps), splash of colour when my perspective on life is 'neutral yellow' (not bad, not good), brown when I am feeling especially 'fresh-y red'.

With friends like these...

I have been meaning to get back to work. But personally I need to write this blog about a group of friends I have. Especially since one of them integral members is leaving the country to go in search of greener pastures. (OK, one idiom done for the blog post, I promise no more cliches here) I underwent four years of .. um.. I don't know I can put this in a way so that I don't offend anyone, but let me try, underwent four years of mild torture to get my Bachelors in Engineering. It was tough for me. I was underwhelmed and overwhelmed at the same time, which if you are wondering, feels really bad. There was euphoria one moment and then abject failure the other. It was like a bungling sequence of REALLY bad movies, one after the other.

In those four years of Raskolnikovian (he of 'Crime and Punishment' fame) life the only considerably good thing I did was become friends with the 'group of friends' I am going to talk about in this post.

Now before I go on I need to tell you something about myself in those four years. In the best of times I have a cheery view of life, laced with a touch of cynicism, but my oh my at bad times everything looks bleak to me. I am the eternal pessimist, and along with that sometimes I get paranoid. I also have bi-polar tendencies, where I have childish enthusiasm for something and the next moment it's gone replaced with absolute derision for the same thing. Yes, I know I am making myself look a very difficult person to get along with, in truth I am a little bit like that.

So, the second year of my four years, I became friends with these human beings. Three of them were in the same department as me so all the study sessions were goofy, fun and agony at the same time. Then I met their mutual friends in other two separate departments, two 'nerdy' (so guys, you know who you are) who also accepted me into the 'clique'. Along the mad scramble to earn 'credits' and pass exams, I still managed to have fun, thanks to them. Whenever I took myself seriously (which I do ALL the time) they were there to remind me to take a proverbial "chill pill". They have visited my home, met my parents and sibling, eaten 'home food'. One guy's mother's food is the next best in Colombo, almost in par with my Mum's. We shared lunch packets, harangued each other for birthday treats, and all other treats (:D). We have gone to the beach together, KFC and Queens weren't spared of our presence and all through this they put up with grumbling, chronic bad moods and the mood swings, kudos to them.

Then the pinnacle of it all came to be in the year 2009. Some 'bright' (I think it's you M, you know who you are, own up now!) person decided that we need to go on a trip and that trip needed to be to the second highest mountain peak in Sri Lanka, Sivanolipaatha Malai or Sri Pada. At the beginning  I personally thought that this was not going to be... Come on, me pulling myself through seven hours of climbing up and then another gruelling seven hours getting down. ROFL.

Come one fine Saturday I was finding myself in the Galle to Fort mini-bus going towards the Fort Railway station to catch the train to go to Hatton. Yes, we were going on the trip to climb that mountain. By the way, one small anecdote, if I may be permitted. I was not supposed to be travelling alone in the mini-bus. I was actually supposed to wait for someone in a bus halt closer to my home, get into the same bus as he was travelling, but I being I, decided that the bus that I chose to get into was the one my friend was travelling in. (Sorry A!) So yeah anyway, I got to the railway station without any untoward incident, and then I actually enjoyed the train ride as it was filled with card-playing, isso vadai eating camaraderie. Then, the friend who is leaving to greener pastures, let's call him S, told me during a quiet moment, "Sujo, we have to climb up, all of us have to climb up, there will be no leaving anyone behind". I replied "Um. yeah. Supposing I can't make it, you are welcome to leave me behind and go". For that S, "No, everyone has to get to the top".

The same night, we left the house we were staying in (it was my father's friend's place) and left to undertake the most physically challenging thing I have done in my entire life to date. We had come prepared in terms of all the stuff we will needed. There were three girls and four guys in the travelling party, so all the guys shared the loads amongst them. Some times the girls too shared the loads, but the only person who did not do any sharing of the load was me. I was grumbling, panting and making all sorts of complaints along the way. Now looking back, I do not know how they put up with me. If I had been me, I would have left myself somewhere along the wayside and gone along. But yet my friends did not utter a simgle word of reproach or regret at me having accompanied them. The only time I stopped complaining was when I had a shot of coffee. Then for the next ten minutes life was rosy and all, and then again I would start. Seriously guys and girls, thank you very much for putting up with me.

This post is not just for that time, for all the times my friends had put up with me. I know it must have been difficult. Thank you. It is much appreciated.